Transformers

Title: Transformers
Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel
Year: 2007
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor, and language.
Date of Review: February 17, 2008

I always wondered if the whole childhood ritual of “Saturday Morning Cartoons” was something exclusive to America, because - having lived in Canada all my life - I don’t think I ever saw cartoons on Saturday morning television. This time was almost exclusively devoted to religious programming and soap operas, so more often than not I found myself playing video games. During the week, however, I watched four cartoons religiously - “Batman: The Animated Series”, “The Simpsons”, “Thundercats” and “Transformers”. (Well, I suppose if you count “Beast Wars” as a separate entity from “Transformers”, that makes it five). I had all the “Transformers” toys, from the fire truck Optimus Prime, to the Megatron toy that morphed into a desert eagle hand gun. I even had most of the knock-off toys, like “Morphing Machines” and “Robo-Men”. Hearing that Steven Spielberg not only loved “Transformers” but also wanted to make a movie, I was thrilled. Could this be his next directorial feature? No, unfortunately not. In the search for a director, Spielberg settled on Michael Bay - perhaps the only director alive who gets more hate on the web than Brett Ratner. And what was the final product? Well, let’s just say it’s more of a Michael Bay movie than a “Transformers” movie, and I suppose it’s up to the individual to decide whether that’s good or bad.

Yes, Transformers has all the trimmings associated with the director of such classics as Bad Boys and...Bad Boys II. It has bad dialogue, zero subtlety, a cheesy and overdone musical score, tons of light blooming, and slow motion camera work up the wazoo (even for mundane actions like stepping out of an airplane). And it’s way too long. Clocking in at nearly two and a half hours, it takes a premise and story more suited to a ninety minute animated feature and milks it for all it’s worth in an attempt to create the next enormously epic film franchise. The concept is inherently massive, with alien robotic beings bringing their war to Earth, but epic concepts do not always warrant epic lengths, and since both the characters and the story are no deeper than a puddle on the sidewalk (and I’m talking one really shallow puddle), it really feels like we could have easily seen all the movie had to offer in about an hour less time. Lord of the Rings this is not, but it so badly wants to be.

The dialogue sounds like it was written by a twelve year old boy with A.D.D., but I suppose the argument could be made that movie-goers looking for strong, witty dialogue should go see a John Sayles movie and leave the popcorn fluff alone. But just because a movie is made to be a blockbuster and nothing more doesn’t give it a free ticket to be mind-numbingly stupid. Lots of movies manage to be both blockbusters and smartly written - I’m thinking of the Bourne trilogy, which were great throwbacks to the gritty spy thrillers of the 1970s. So if someone tries to tell me that Transformers either didn’t need to be well written or couldn’t be due to its silly, over-the-top premise, I must retort by saying that, no, the writers were just lazy. Having a Spanish soldier character who is so stereotypical that he speaks Spanish unknowingly and talks about “being back home and eating alligators” seems like it was written using the “1980s’ Big Book of Clichés” And to add insult to injury, some of the most painful dialogue is uttered by some very respectable actors. John Turturro’s presence is especially puzzling, since he usually keeps a pretty low profile by appearing in indie flicks and films by the Coen brothers. I sure hope he didn’t turn down a role in No Country For Old Men for this.

But where the movie delivers (and expectedly so) is in the action. In typical Michael Bay fashion, the first half of the movie is devoted to the characters, while the entire second half is a giant continuous action sequence with several enormous set pieces. I’ve read complaints that the action in Transformers is hard to follow, but this is one complaint I can’t get on board with. Unless you are watching the movie on a cell phone in full screen with low resolution, I cannot understand how or why one would find it hard to discern what is taking place on the screen. There are plenty of slow motion shots of the Transformers blowing things up and swinging around buildings and bridges as if they weighed twenty pounds. It’s loud and fun, and when the action scenes are at their best there are definitely some cool (perhaps even memorable) moments.

It’s just not enough to justify sitting through more than an hour of painful exposition, though. Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox play a couple of high school students whose destinies are linked together by this intergalactic power struggle, and there are a couple of cute moments between them. One of these better moments takes place when the Autobots are introducing themselves to LaBeouf and Fox, and the “medic” bot says that LaBeouf’s “high pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female [Fox]”. But for every funny moment, there are about ten attempts at humor which fall completely flat (such as the aforementioned Spanish soldier).

And while we’re on the top of racial stereotypes, what were they thinking when they wrote the character “Jazz”? This Autobat is like the “hip hop” bot - the Transformer with soul and attitude to spare. When he makes reference to both “bitches” and “kicking it” in the same sentence, I ended up having to bandage my chin because my jaw hit the floor so hard.

Michael Bay has been quoted saying that he admittedly makes “movies for thirteen year old boys”. But he really shot himself in the foot by targeting that audience with Transformers. Sure, kids still watch the shows and think they’re neat, but there was a much larger, built-in fan base already there and eagerly awaiting the big screen return of their favorite childhood heroes. And that audience is 20-30 somethings who grew up watching this franchise while it was at its biggest and freshest. It’s the equivalent of making an R-rated “Spongebob Squarepants” movie - it just doesn’t make any sense.

Then again, Transformers made an obscene amount of money - so much, in fact, that the budget is being nearly doubled for the sequel (due out next year). So maybe I’m just totally out of touch with what’s “cool” these days with the kids. And while everyone gears up and gets excited for Transformers 2, I’ll be eagerly awaiting the inevitable Thundercats movie, and hoping it isn’t given to Brett Ratner.

5 / 10